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  Love by Night copyright © 2020 by S.K. Williams. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

  Andrews McMeel Publishing

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  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  Cover Art by Justin Estcourt

  Cover Design by Wilder

  ISBN: 978-1-5248-7008-9

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2020946871

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  for Shayla

  for believing in me

  more than I ever believed

  in myself

  Take me into the night

  The place where no one else can be,

  just you and me

  Where our nervous heartbeats

  are the only sounds

  and the moon and her stars

  are the only lights around

  We will share our fears and dreams

  in equal parts, in equal measure,

  and we’ll love our flaws and beauties

  in each other and in ourselves

  This love will blossom

  into something new,

  something beautiful and true

  It won’t always be perfect

  but we’ll have each other there,

  stumbling together into the dark,

  hand-in-hand until the end

  Only in the night,

  we are endless

  And only our bodies will ever part

  Take me there, into the night

  In the beginning

  there was darkness

  and then there was love –

  at least what I thought was love –

  but that was darkness too

  and then there were days

  that felt like nights

  but the nights

  were romantic,

  lit by cosmic candles

  and the promise of eternity

  Night after night

  I spent on lonely rooftops

  waiting for someone

  to share it with,

  feet dangling

  over the edge of the world

  waiting my whole life

  for the moon

  to kiss the earth

  I get paralyzed by the things I don’t know

  the outcomes I can’t see

  of the choices I can’t make

  possible mistakes

  or the leaps I can’t take

  to unknown lands

  with unknown things

  Will things change

  or will they stay the same?

  Will I ever be whole

  or only ever broken

  and is this it –

  or is there more?

  There were hard days

  when I felt more broken than loved

  and I thought

  maybe this is as good as it gets

  I learned to find my own way

  and there were days

  when I stumbled through the dark

  but I always found the stars

  In a garden of thorns

  where nothing can grow

  beneath the thick winter snow

  I found you

  He and I went out for drinks

  with a couple of friends from work

  and we had such a good time

  it was easy to forget

  the rest of the world

  I lay in bed that night

  running things over and over in my head

  the way he laughed

  the way he smiled

  wondering – hoping – wishing –

  I could find some way

  to be the one to make him smile

  I want to be – I want to be her friend

  One that doesn’t have to have an end

  I look at her and wonder what we could be

  Will she share herself with me?

  I’m so scared to show her where I’ve been

  Will she run away from me then?

  I wonder what scars her fingers have felt

  I wonder how many “I love you’s”

  her lips have spilled

  Will she think that I am odd or strange?

  I wonder if she, too, believes one can change

  Will she turn away or laugh if I cry?

  I wonder if she’ll be honest or if she’ll lie

  I don’t know if I could

  find the words to speak

  I don’t know what I’ll say if I feel weak

  She seems to be gentle, she seems to be kind

  I can’t seem to get her off of my mind

  Maybe this is how a friendship could start

  I wonder – I hope – she doesn’t

  break my heart

  My breath catches when he looks at me

  pulse quickens

  cheeks flush

  my eyes instinctively look downward

  This feeling is a sickening rush

  I’ve never thought about him

  like this

  but I am now

  does he know?

  I think so.

  He smiles at me,

  his eyes linger on me

  a second too long

  Does he?

  Could he?

  no . . .

  She was so excited to read my poetry

  and I was so nervous

  journal after journal

  page after page

  word after word

  Would she recognize the ones I wrote

  about her?

  I don’t understand

  the heart beneath these wistful fingers –

  How did it learn to beat again

  when its heart drums were broken?

  How did it learn to sing

  when it never knew these words before?

  How did it fall in love again

  when it is still healing from the last time

  it fell?

  A lot of people used to tell me

  it was depressing

  going to movies alone every now and then

  going out on a walk to nowhere

  in the middle of the night

  going into my books, my words, my head

  to write and escape

  but she thought it was beautiful

  and brave

  and inspiring

  no one has ever made me feel that before

  Conversations with Myself

  He smiled at me the first time we met

  maybe he’s interested – he’s kind of cute

  but how could he be interested in someone like me?

  He waited to leave so he could talk to me

  maybe he wants to get to know me better

  or maybe he’s just being friendly

  He said he was busy when I invited him out for coffee

 
maybe he really is busy

  or maybe he is avoiding me, maybe I should back off

  He agreed to hang out with me

  maybe this is finally it

  or maybe something will “come up”

  We talked for hours and it was perfect

  I think he might like me

  then again, I don’t know

  I have always believed

  you learn so much more about a person

  when you see how they interact with others

  She is so tender to those

  whom others overlook or cast out

  She is slow to judge and slow to anger

  and she listens carefully to each word

  someone tells her

  holding the words in her eyes

  like they are fragile and precious

  She sees the beauty in things

  others dismiss so easily

  There is a softness,

  a tenderness about him

  He says what he thinks, fearlessly

  but he never means to hurt someone –

  even if he does

  He seems to care so much about others –

  not what they think of him

  but how they feel about the world about themselves

  He is kind to me

  but sometimes maybe not to himself

  Some people think she’s quiet or shy

  but I think she doesn’t try to be loud

  she wants to give everyone a chance to be heard

  I’ve noticed the way she talks

  with her eyes

  more than with her mouth

  When she’s excited and animated

  they open up wide and twinkle with a smile

  He reminds me

  of the way things were

  when I wondered what I

  wanted to be when I grew up

  when I looked to the stars

  and wondered if I’d ever swim among them

  when I thought the best thing

  in the world

  was an ice cream and the summertime

  away from school

  and burying myself in a good book

  when I thought all things were possible

  and now – maybe again – they are

  She reminded me

  that it’s okay to take care of myself

  to fall down and cry and let myself

  be picked back up by someone else

  to not always be strong

  that I don’t always have to put

  them before me

  that it’s okay to want someone to

  rub your back

  run their fingers through your hair

  read you to sleep

  roll you up into a burrito blanket

  it’s okay to let yourself

  be taken care of

  I find myself staring

  at you

  too much

  not because of your beauty

  but because

  I wonder if you’re real

  or when you’ll simply

  disappear

  Maybe it is simply vanity

  but there is something in our sameness

  that draws me back to her again and again

  It feels effortless to understand each other

  And I’ve never known someone else

  who feels so much

  like my own reflection

  It seems the better I know her

  the better I get to know myself

  And I don’t seem to have to change

  all these things I like

  to make her like me

  but instead – she helps me cut away

  the parts I never liked about myself

  I value my friendship with her

  above my other relationships

  not because she demands all my time

  but because I want to spend

  all my time with her

  because she fights for me when I don’t

  fight for myself

  The more time I spend with her

  the more I realize

  who I was before

  was a whisper of myself

  all the rest of me was shoved underwater

  and was starting to learn to live there

  growing gills to adapt to my discomfort

  Her voice is louder for me

  than I ever was for myself

  She introduced me to ideas

  I had long ago dismissed

  like

  “you are enough”

  “it is okay to make mistakes”

  “it is okay to be different”

  “you belong”

  We dip our toes in the water

  uncertain

  but hopeful

  excited

  but shy

  confident

  but aloof

  and though we stand apart

  the ripples of water

  kiss

  Am I a fool

  for thinking this could be more

  than what it is?

  for wondering

  if he wonders too?

  for letting myself fall for him

  when I don’t know

  if he’ll catch me?

  for hoping

  against all hope

  he could be

  what I never thought

  was real?

  Am I a fool?

  I don’t know what I was thinking

  maybe I thought if I came over

  I could sweep you off your feet

  or something

  but I’m sitting in my car

  it’s been a couple hours

  and I wonder if you’d want me

  to come in

  I’ve never been more afraid

  of anything

  than I am

  now

  of ever losing you

  I’ve never had a friend like this before, not quite

  who stays up late with me on work nights

  who talks for hours and hours about the things we both care about

  who holds me when I cry

  who lets themselves be vulnerable in front of me

  who reads the books I recommend and the poems I write

  who gives me notes back the next day

  who pretends like she didn’t hear me fart and laughs with me when I tell her I did

  who lets me be whomever I want to be and still values me, no more and no less

  who reminds me to take care of myself, too, when I take too much care of others

  who listens to me and believes me when I tell her she is worth it all

  who takes my hand when I’m afraid

  and takes the hand I offer her

  when she falls

  I’ve never had a friend like her

  Please

  be slow to remind me of my mistakes

  be gentle in telling me when I am wrong

  be kind when you don’t feel I deserve it

  Please

  remember I am not always right

  and I can’t always be strong

  You sit

  just inches away

  but the inches

  feel like miles

  and though we aren’t even touching

  I can feel you

  your skin against mine

/>   the warm smile on your lips

  the wonder in your eyes

  the hope in your heart –

  all the depths of you –

  like an ocean

  unexplored

  You tell me

  I don’t have to come over

  I don’t have to stick around

  I don’t have to love you

  But you’re wrong

  you see

  because every part of me

  wants to stay

  wants to be with you

  and wants to love you

  so please

  just let me

  There was this moment we shared together

  when it felt like the world fell away from us

  and it was just you and I

  coexisting in this nothingness

  And I hoped – I dared to hope –

  the moment could last

  forever

  If I simply closed my eyes and believed,

  Maybe this would work,

  maybe we could make it

  Maybe we have a choice

  and everything that comes after

  will matter more

  than anything that came before

  The truth is, it’s all a choice we make

  but I look at every possible trajectory

  of my life

  And I see you in every direction

  I climb back into my car and close the door

  your goodbye still fresh on my lips

  but I look out and I see you in your own car

  staring back at me

  thinking the same thing

  that it takes everything

  to stop myself

  from getting out

  and getting back into your car

  and kissing you

  There was something in your eye

  when you kissed me on the cheek

  and said goodbye

  something

  that said

  you didn’t want

  to go

  you didn’t want this

  to end

  Maybe it doesn’t have to

  Maybe it never has to

  You kiss me

  and I’m afraid to show you

  all of my scars

  but you don’t flinch