Love by Night Read online

  you don’t even blink

  You always knew they were there

  but you loved me anyway

  Whenever you take me

  by the hand

  and introduce me to someplace new

  it is the strangest thing –

  I feel like I’ve been here before

  and it’s always been

  my favorite place

  Come inside

  take off your shoes

  rest your feet;

  my broken heart

  is open

  for you

  “I know

  you chose me

  but sometimes

  I feel unworthy –

  too broken to be loved”

  “Maybe you think yourself unworthy

  but you aren’t;

  You are beautiful even when you rain.

  Your deep wounds, your cracks, and scars

  only provide more places to fill you

  with love.

  I know you’re broken,

  but I love all your little pieces

  and I love the picture they form

  when they come together.”

  This is different

  He looks at me

  but he sees something more

  and I love what he sees

  Together

  we are bigger than ourselves –

  there were constellations

  on our scars

  we’d never connected before

  but together

  we form oceans of stars

  seas of love

  galaxies of tenderness

  I love the way

  she says “darling”

  like it’s the sweetest word

  she knows

  and the taste of it

  on her lips

  makes her smile

  We count down the days until

  we come together

  and it feels like an eternity to get here

  Maybe this is the day

  we quit our jobs and run away

  Maybe we are broke

  but we’ll have each other

  I know we both feel it

  weighing us down

  the day is so hard to trudge through

  when it doesn’t end in you

  I know we can do this

  only just a little bit longer

  push through

  I can’t get your smile out of my head

  I can still see your eyes glistening

  looking into my own

  I can still hear your laugh

  and it makes me grin

  I can still hear my name

  upon your lips

  I don’t know where this will go

  but wherever it is

  I’m excited to find out

  your goofy laugh

  your random cravings

  your silly jokes

  your honest answers

  your passionate tears

  your shameless dances

  your tender heart

  your attentive eyes

  your gentle nudges

  these are just a few of the reasons

  I fell in love with you

  I love the way her mind works

  I love the books that she reads

  and the way her mind solves a puzzle

  I love the order she brings to my chaos

  and how we find a way to fix things

  when it seems everything is falling apart

  I love the way we talk

  both with so much respect for each other

  even when we do not understand

  or think ourselves simply right

  I love that she respects my opinion

  and sees me as her equal –

  neither putting me on a pedestal

  nor putting me down

  I love the harmony of our minds working

  in tandem

  our mouths – our minds – our hearts

  understanding

  yet always seeking to understand better

  There was nothing here when you found me

  but lights – waiting to be relit

  long grown accustomed

  to seeing in the dark.

  But it doesn’t matter anymore

  how bad things were before,

  because everything is different now

  It never meant more than this

  before you

  You are more than a heartbreak

  You are more than broken pieces

  You are more than the tears on your pillow

  You are more than the scars on your wrists

  You are more than the lump in your throat

  the lightning pitter-patter in your chest

  You are more than the hole that

  was left in you

  when they left you

  You are more

  oh so much more

  than a little poem

  could ever express

  She was beautiful

  because she had scars

  where they had none

  because she kept on fighting

  when the others were done

  because she drank in the moon

  while they basked in the sun

  When I see you look at me

  I can’t help but feel more beautiful

  I can’t help but see my potential

  I can’t help but like myself a little more

  When I see you look at me

  I want to be more

  I want to see more

  I want to do more

  When I see you look at me

  I see myself too

  You make me feel like I’m unstoppable

  and when I have gone too far

  and remind myself that I’m not

  you don’t hold it over me

  You help me heal and remind me that

  it’s okay to not be able to fix everything

  You make me feel humble and whole

  Where is this love?

  Painted on the clouds

  Hidden in the cracks on the sidewalk

  Flickering in the night sky

  Behind a subtle smile

  Whispered by the wind in the trees

  For our first date

  she took me to see the otters

  We fed them little bits of fish

  and watched them squeak and squabble

  and chew their squishy food in their

  sharp little teeth

  They played tug-of-war with a handkerchief

  and burrowed their furry little faces

  into our cardigans and sweaters

  and fixated on her shoelaces

  which they were quite adept at untying

  and when playtime grew too tiresome

  they flopped on their backs into their beds

  and gathered little marbles on their bellies

  swiping more from our hands

  when we offered them

  sleepily fighting to stay awake

  to spend just a little bit longer together

  cuddling up against each other

  their life bond unbreakable

  I knew then in that moment

  I wanted that with her too

  I want to walk the streets you

  grew up walking

  I want to see the windows you

  peered out when
you were little

  I want to eat the candy bar you

  would get on your way home from school

  I want to know who you were

  on your way to me

  I want to know all the parts of you

  that will soon become a part of me

  We shared cups of coffee

  and shows and movies

  and sweaters when one of us grew cold

  Little by little,

  pieces of ourselves collected into

  something bigger

  We shared tears and hugs and kisses

  and glasses of wine and plates of torte

  Little by little, we grew fonder of each other

  the way humans grow fond of air

  and food and water and sleep

  The more we gave each other

  the bigger this all became

  and the bigger it grew

  the more nervous we grew too

  Little by little, we began to trust each other

  until we realized

  we didn’t have to be afraid anymore

  because we would never take

  from each other,

  only give, and give, and give

  I just left your place

  and I’m driving home

  but it feels like I’m headed

  away from it

  My eyes wander to the skies

  and though I wish your hand

  was here to hold

  the moon and her stars are out

  never too far from me

  like these thoughts of you

  still drifting through the space of my head

  I miss you

  more than I’ve ever missed anybody

  because when you are not here

  I feel like I’ve wandered outside

  my own skin

  and everything feels hot and bitter

  and empty and foreign

  Now that I’ve had a taste of your presence,

  being without it feels impossibly unbearable

  and I don’t know how I did it before

  but I never want to do it again

  I could fall asleep

  to your soothing voice in my ears

  over the phone

  telling me tenderly how you feel

  All that I want is your arms

  around me

  to ease me into the darkness –

  to take my hand and

  wade with me into my dreams

  I want to feel your face in the dark

  but I can’t, not yet

  so your words will have to do

  for now

  She told me,

  “Count the stars until you fall asleep.”

  I said,

  “There are too many to count.

  But I will try.”

  I couldn’t sleep for a week

  but I’m still counting

  every night

  I don’t know how many mornings

  I stared myself down

  in the mirror

  picking myself apart;

  pock-marked skin,

  crooked teeth,

  violet bags beneath my eyes,

  lines of stress cut across my face,

  “I never noticed,”

  she said

  “I see all of you, my dear:

  soft and gentle skin,

  the most lovely smile,

  the kindest eyes

  always looking up.”

  There were things you saw

  that I never noticed

  There were parts of me

  you explored

  that I didn’t even know were

  parts of me

  He began to share pieces of himself with me

  he didn’t even realize he was sharing

  the way his eyes lit up

  when he was talking about something he loved

  the way he talked to our pets

  when he didn’t realize I was watching

  the way he cleaned up after me

  without keeping score or being bitter –

  just because he cares

  just because he wanted to help

  I could do this with him

  I could do this forever

  The stress of the day

  pulls me to pieces in every direction

  I don’t know how to make this work

  how to make time for everything

  how to make them all happy

  I wish I could grab hold of the world

  and stop it from turning

  I wish I could take your hand

  and disappear

  Take my hand

  and let me lead you to sunnier meadows

  to happier places

  I promise we will get through this

  I know your body grows weary

  and your feet are aching

  but I am here to walk beside you

  to take you where you want to be

  I’ll be strong for you

  if you’ll be strong for me

  There is room in my life for you

  it might be a tight squeeze

  but there is a you-shaped hole

  in my heart

  you will fit in perfectly

  and if it’s too cramped

  we’ll open things up a bit

  tear down the walls

  and knock out the ceiling

  so we can see the stars

  and give you room to breathe

  We went wherever we could

  parks after dark

  the cozy little Italian café

  and there were those nights

  we just drove

  fingers interlaced

  Just to be together

  was enough

  And some nights

  we didn’t need to say

  a word –

  we let our hearts

  do the talking

  instead

  We got so caught up in each other, we forgot

  there were other people in the world

  We talked about things

  I’d never thought about

  We shared our dreams

  and our fears alike

  We talked about children

  and how we might name them

  We exchanged ghost stories

  we didn’t know if we believed in

  We talked about who we were

  and who we wanted to be

  We learned more about each other

  and more about ourselves

  and the hours

  turned to days

  and we parted ways

  mouths sore

  and eyes weary

  but hearts happy

  I know everything between us is exciting

  because it’s new

  but this is something more

  I want to open a map

  and point out all the places we will go

  I want to go camping

  even in the rain

  and lie with you in the grass

  to stare at the stars

  I want to take you to places

  that I’ve never been

  I want to make every place

  our place

  I want to make a world with you

  I want to plant seeds in your heart

  Everythin
g’s for Sale

  I think about this far too much

  lying in bed, unable to sleep

  staring about my room:

  How much could I get for my computer –

  my bed – my books?

  If I got rid of it all

  how much would we have?

  How far would that get us?

  Could we make it last

  until we find something

  we can do

  to pay the bills

  Is it enough?

  Why don’t we just

  go?

  Little snowy flurries

  fluttering down from the icy night sky,

  the burn of whiskey at our throats,

  all smiles and hands –

  we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other

  That was when I truly saw you

  and saw that you saw me too

  Wild, young love

  so sweet and gentle

  but passionate and raw

  We were entangled

  looking for any excuse

  for affection

  and any way

  to run away together

  wild and sweet

  and tender

  and true

  I hope it’s enough

  to bloom

  Skin against skin

  fingers between fingers

  arms draped over arms

  sweat soaking into sweat

  lips tasting lips

  bodies emptied

  heavy breaths fill the air

  Tangled forms tied together

  locked in love

  shapes formed with tenderness

  against the darkness

  sweet and wild

  and we are left breathless

  arms in arms

  lips on lips

  love and love

  If your eyes made me fall in love with you

  it was your hands that made me trust you

  They found my own when I was shaking

  and pulled me forward when I didn’t have

  the strength to lead myself

  They were never cruel nor hard –

  only ever soft and kind

  I retreat to them

  when every place else in the world is hostile

  Your hand is the safest place